"Negativity and Feeling Trapped: Living With Chronic Pain"

I felt sad, disrespected, invalidated, unworthy, and unimportant. I had to Google how to receive email from the PCN Foothills extended health team. I phoned to find out but whoever answered said it was there and they would email the nutritionist to put it on the app. I asked what app and how do I access it. They seemed to think I automatically know these things. When I finally found the messages, I found them too general and didn’t relate to my concerns at all. One handout said purchase an app and it will tell you how to follow your doctors advice. Another suggestion seemed to say don’t follow your dr prescription and take more medicine than required. I don’t understand the negativity. I want to be able to eat food and not have people choke because I’m too gassy. A telephone call feels like an easy out that they don’t have to look me in the eyes and say, yup, you’re not fit for public and it’s too much work for us to help you. Ok, I understand I’m supposed to quit everything, but I just got the prescription to get active and I interviewed 5 different gyms. One of them seemingly has patrons who have been rejected by the medical system I felt respect and acceptance is lacking in chronic pain because it’s too focused on describing the pain. Medical system feels stuck and forces me to be stuck. I only have 30 days to be in a positive environment. I think it would be nice if PCN people could find a way to accepting people and helping them through their journey rather than arguing about every nit picky detail. I don’t understand why someone would say don’t make a goal to exercise and don’t follow your specialist advice. I understand the hierarchy and feel it’s not supposed to be trampled with negativity. I’m trapped I tell you, trapped in the chronic pain medical system. 

I want to be accepted and validated and live outside of the chronic pain narrative. I’m not my mother’s generation who doesn’t want to cook or clean and likes to sit and watch tv. I don’t own a tv. I cannot afford take out. But no one asks those questions. My daughter doesn’t want food bank because she feels the food isn’t healthy. She hasn’t worked in several years and she’s not even as negative as the system treats me. But I know she also feels trapped. Trapped I tell you! Is she too much work too.

Wow! I feel like I haven’t ranted enough because I don’t have the 1,000 word count yet. But when you type a response to the Ava Connect email you have to be fast because it times out. One sentence to say, I don’t understand why you sent me material that doesn’t apply to my situation. Can I help clarify some things? Perhaps your dictation didn’t understand my Calgary accent. My English is not that good, but I have a university degree. I really don’t have time to get a degree in nutrition, physiotherapy, occupational therapy, or social work. My specialists are shocked I know all 31 of my medications for my heart and what they are for. It’s hard to shock the PCN because their not understanding my narrative or that I care about my body in whatever terrible state I have had to put up with, while I argue my way through the system is unfortunate. Unfortunate, I tell you. I don’t have a fortune, that is why we have a medical system. 

I’m angry, I’m sad. I’m perplexed. I feel all of the PCNs are mental health workers in disguise but you don’t get to see them, so there is smoke and magic to finding actual health. My narrative is, I got a cyst and I was unable to walk, so it was removed. I got another cyst and I walk with a limp because it’s in a different location and drs will not to remove it. I have to deal with neuropathy, numbness, nerve pain when I move a certain way, and that changes how my tendons function so they are calcifying. I have 16 conditions that have chronic pain as a feature. There are many other features but no one wants to learn about those because it seems easier to hassle people about laziness and mental health. I could write out what I eat every day but I feel none of the dieticians are going to analyze it. I may not even eat that meal again, so why am I doing all of the writing? I don’t know how to analyze the food. My blood tests say the calcium, potassium, iron, cholesterol are not good. Is there a one item at a time rule?  Let’s talk about calcium while you get constipated from those choices and then we can add on fiber but we are good to change the rules. Take a plate whatever size you want half is veggies and the other half is proteins and grain, now imagine that I know by magical processes which foods to eat to get all of my blood tests up to normal. Normal! Normal! There seems to beno such thing as normal, even numbers are an argument. Maybe I should lead with that, I want my blood tests to become middle normal. I don’t want your attitude. I want a quality of life. Not a shortened life. Not a busybody life. Have you considered hugging a tree? And will you read this to the end? I’m a person, I deserve dignity.